Thoughts: Have you ever went to sleep single & woke up in a relationship?

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I posted this question on twitter and I would like to talk more in detail about this. Talking to a couple of the homies today and I was saying how back in the day we used to have definitive conversations with the girl we was seeing. Conversations like “Will you go with me?” or “Will you be my girl?” had to be had. But now, a lot of relationships are born out of “casual friendships”. Like it starts by exchanging numbers and conversation, maybe a few dates, then jumping in the bed. This may go on for awhile, through this period feelings are bound to develop. You might be doing your thing & she might be doing her thing but the more time you two spend together after awhile you start really feeling eachother. Then when that happens you start asking yourself “How did I get here?” and most people start to fight it. You still try to live your single life but if you are spending every other night together, eventually you WILL wake up one day in a relationship. LOL. Totally unspoken, just understood. This is the general concensus amongst the homies today. My question to you is have you ever been in this situation?????

-BMC, The Love Guru.

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41 thoughts on “Thoughts: Have you ever went to sleep single & woke up in a relationship?

  1. To actually follow up on what you were saying, it’s a lot of men or women that will be in those kind of situations & may claim to not have feelings for that significant other when they’re around their people. However, once they’re alone or with that person it’s a whole different scenario. The fact that a relationship can be born without words even being spoken is beautiful to me. I see potential in that. As far as the getting in bed scene goes, there is always some type of feeling or emotion there during sex. If the concept goes deeper than that, like you’re actually spending quality time together outside of sleeping together, the relationship is bound to happen. I actually have been in this situation before, & I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit it. I really was feeling the person beforehand but the sex just intensified it. It was like you know what, one day, we’re gonna be together. – (Not on the “I’ma make you mine” kind of tip) but we had more so of an understanding. We had been friends for years actually so everything worked out.

  2. Myself personally try to avoid falling into the somewhat complex situation of trying to figure out will or won’t a relationship be after falling for him and fighting the feelings. For some reason I always seem to fall into the “friend” zone and rather than risk losing me as a friend by pursuing a relationship they choose to simply let fear keep them from experiencing what “us” could be….

    • You too huh? It could be many reasons why you fall into the “friend” category. Ever heard the line “I like you a lot but I just don’t want a relationship right now”?

    • In the scenario where you are deemed “friend” I think that has become the way of letting you know that you are not what they are looking for right now. Don’t take it as a insult or rejection, look at it for what it is and keep it moving. Be grateful that they “cared” enough to tell you the truth versus stringing you along.

      When you understand who you are and what you want in a relationship, you will be amazed at how many times you will in turn give someone the “friend” label and keep it moving.

      I have been in a few too many relationships at a younger age where I did not understand that for myself and the relationships always ended up with the same result. “In order to get something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done!”

      A few years ago, I decided to take a break from dating and now three years later, I am single and loving it. No, that does not mean I don’t want to be in a relationship, it means that I have come to understand what I really want and I am not willing to “settle” for anything less. Sure I date, but if he is not what I am want, then I keep it moving. We can be friends, but I know I not wasting my time on something that really was not meant to be. “No harm, no foul!” There is nothing worse than waking up years later next to someone you have no future with and wondering where the time really went. Especially, since we cannot get that time back!

      I will say that I know with absolute certainty that when I do find him, I will know it and he won’t be subject to that “excess baggage” so many of us carry from our previous relationships.

  3. Can’t say that I have, but I do know some friends that have done that very thing and I must say at least one couple is successful right now..The others found it to be the rest mistake of their lives. No one really take the time to know one another anymore, they just rush because of time, meaning them getting old and it’s now or never..That attitude sucks b/c you eventually get yourself into something that is not going to last and just may be the death of you..Let’s take it back to the old school, you gotta check my box: yes or no!! Then after that let God do the rest..lol..I am just sayin…

  4. So true. I was discussing this the other day too with one of my female friends. The whole concept of a ‘relationship’ is very subjective now. When i think back to my previous ‘situations’ i dont call them relationships lol simply because i’d rather remain single, but when i REALLY look back i realise that i might aswel have been in a relationship. Thats how it looks to outsiders anyway so matter how much i tried to hide it.

    Berry

  5. That has happened to me beacause after a while u get comfortable especially after sex is involved feelings are bound to happen but i like to get it understood because you never know wat is going on if u dont speak about it if you dont come out and say your my man and im your girl then we aint together im still single and will be living my life like such then someone will get hurt

  6. I’m still old school. Communication is the key to any relationship, so I’m more of a let’s clarify what we have, what are our limits, and are we gonna be exclusive type of girl. In relationships, a lot of people automatically “assume” but until we have both clearly stated what we have going on, I take it as both of us being single….

  7. I see what you’re saying, Bryan. BUT, if you go to sleep and “wake up in a relationship” and don’t have the conversation with the person you’re in this “relationship” with, you have completely set yourself up for disaster. It doesn’t matter if both of you have silently (read: without the other person’s knowledge) stopped dating and/or seeing other people – to ME, it should be assumed that we both have the freedom to do so until otherwise communicated and agreed upon. Never assume that the person has decided in their head that you are now their s/o just because you have (and its okay to slowly trickle people off if you’re getting really close with just one – just TALK about it).

    • I feel you Miss BB. To elaborate on what you said, I know how I said that to know what’s going on without words is beautiful but you have GOT TO have that talk about where you two are standing. Otherwise it’s like going along with whatever the other wants. If you know you aren’t ready to take that chance then by all means, don’t do it. If you do not have a talk with that person and you “think” ya’ll are together, the moment you see them with someone else you’re gonna lose it. Not a good look at all. “An understanding needs to be understood more than one way” – There’s verbal and mental. Gotta have it.

  8. Yep! In it as we speak. You go in from the beginning w/ the intention, “we’re just good friends.” Before you know it you are in the gray area of confusion. You spend a majority of your free time together, you “say” you both aren’t seeing anyone else but you’ve never declared that you together. In my situation, we have a talk…and it’s still remains “we’re just good friends” (but ya can’t see anyone else) or it’s just “understood,” but what it that? Looks like a relationship, acts like a relationship…but is it really? Since there’s no true communication and commitment made I believe it leaves things open for “play.” You wonder how and WHY did you let it get this far, and why didn’t you make things clearer from the beginning. Sincerely, “The Really Good Friend.”

    • That almost sound like “friends with benefits!” That can be a hard situation to break free from if one of you does not put your foot down and come to an understanding! I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but if you are comfortable with that then there is no need to change it. However, if you want more or want to make a change, then it sounds like someone needs to “put their foot down” and do what needs to be done or take a few steps back until a decision is made one way or the other.

      Often times when u take a break from the situation, the non committal party will realize what is they really want and will act on that. However, the longer you allow the situation to proceed as such, then you are essentially giving the situation your stamp of approval which essentially signifies that you are okay with the status as it is. It reminds me of something my grandma used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!”

  9. This has definitely happened to me on more than one occasion. The man has actually said he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to spend all his time with me. Even when I would go home he would call and ask me to come over. If he saw other guys talk to me he would loose it. We were practically together 24/7. However he literally woke up one day and said to me “I’m in a relationship and this is exactly what I said I did not what I want to do. We argued for a couple days about how he facilitated the creation of a relationship he didn’t want and NY that time I no longer wanted to be with him. Things would be much simpler if we moved back to those definitive conversations and people actually said what they meant and coreelated actions with words. Don’t seek out the benefits of being in a relationship and not want the work of one. That’s like wanting the prestige of being famous and wishing it all away when the paparazzi chase you. You gotta take the good and the bad.

  10. LOL, that’s exactly how my last relationship began which ultimately resulted in the demise of my relationship. There was not enough focus on developing a foundation just chemisty. Now I do believe chemistry is really important, you just have to know how to seperate it and the fantasy to portrays to reality. What ends up happening is that there is an expectation or assumption that was never communicated which creates a mess. This results in people jumping ship and arguments that could’ve been talked about versus just assumping since we are spending time and sleeping together its automatically the next step without talking. I miss the old days where you knew exatcly what it was not just ” I mean, we cool, we kicking it, their the homie” Just write me a letter saying “Will you be my girlfriend?” Check the box, “yes” “no” ” I don’t know” LOL. It was super cute 🙂

  11. Hello, my first time commenting….well yes I have been through that and it never ends well (well at least for me). I think there should be a coversation before an unauthorized relationship happens. Because if that conversation happens then there is no misconception about what is “expected” so to speak. Just my humble opinion.

  12. I would agree. Luckily I’ve never woke up to being in a relationship because I make it a point to have that conversation. However I do have some friends both male and female who have “woke up” in a relationship. Something like that needs to be formally agreed upon. There should be no silent acceptance of this title. The lack of communication leads to so many problems in relationships. Without this actual verbal agreement when a party does something they knew they wouldn’t want the other to do and get caught they’ll just say we never made it official and the other one is stuck trying to find a foundation for their argument. So in closing if you “wake up” to a relationship. Soon as you wipe the crust out your eyes you need to have that conversation.

  13. It’s not that simple…well, it shouldn’t be. I am still a firm believer in the definitive conversation. All too many times, relationships are born out of sexual encounters. Soul ties are built and the blindness begins! Communication is key! I think often you can end up in a relationship with someone that is NOT in a relationship with you…and then what? Love is hard enough, we need to talk to not complicate things! And I have a question for you, Mr. Essence bachelor of the year, when did you become the LOVE GURU??? 🙂

  14. There was a time when that conversation did not come after a sexual relationship took place. Whether people like to admit it or not sex makes that black and white line an uncertain shade of gray. People need to have a conversation saying sex does not the relationship make if they don’t want to have uneasy feelings later or leave the urge alone. Easier said than done for a lot of people.

  15. Hey Love Guru….if you really start feeling each other and feelings development, why you want to fight it and not roll with it? If you trying to stay single you need to rethink the moves you puttin on the other. I say it is fortunate if you find someone you connect with that comes out of casual friendship….all the non communication is what is crazy! Get where u stand straight with the other person so there are no misunderstanings! Open ur mouth before you open the bedroom door!

  16. I agree with Miss BB. I have been in this type of situation before. It is very important to have that conversation to make sure both parties are on the same page. If it doesn’t occur then the other person’s feelings will be deep into it and they think you feel the same way. And when they find out thats its different, thats when everything goes downhill. So it is important to have that talk.

  17. I understand exactly what you mean bmc we have becomed more of casual daters and/or serial waters, instead of setting somewhat sort of boundaries or definition to our relationships. Why? Because this now considered the “norm” which we witness through non-committed or labeled relationships in society. For instance, oprah and stedman, goldie hawn and kurt russell, etc. Unfortunately, relationships are not as sacred as they were years ago.

  18. It may be the Taurus in me butI have to have an established consensus of what’s going on from jump. I need everyone to have an understanding of what”s going on because I never want to lead anyone on or feel like I’ve been played when we never had a serious conversation about our relationship.

  19. (sigh) *slowly raising hand* I’ve been there. I met this guy in graduate school and we immediately clicked because we had so much in common. A genuine friendship began to develop between the two of us. As time passed we definitely began feeling each other and that is natural. We slowly became inseparable. If you saw me you saw him…if you saw him you saw me. And it just happened…one morning we woke up in an unspoken relationship. As you said it was totally unspoken…but understood. And that is where the problems began because we never had THAT conversation. You see he would still try to do his thing but I didn’t because I’ve never been the type of woman to talk to more than one guy at a time. I felt like I was commited to him without a committment from him. He would still entertain me and make me feel like I was “the one” and throw the word “love” around….all the while he was seeing other women. Because we never had THAT conversation and set boundaries, whenever I would call certain things to his attention he would pull the “well technically you are not my girl” card. I’m sure someone reading this is wondering well why didn’t you just leave. It’s easier said than done when feelings are involved. Long story short, we are no longer together and I ended up with a broken heart. HOWEVER, I’m thankful for the experience because I learned a very valuable lesson. Communication is VERY important in ANY relationship. The success of a relationship often depends on COMMUNICATION among other things. You must have that conversation “Are we together or not” so that there will be no misunderstandings because from my experience…a misunderstanding coupled with noncommunication is a prelude to a disaster. I’m sure that there are some positive endings to “overnight relationships” but it just so happened that mine was negative.

  20. Greetings Guru,
    When you posted this on Twitter I didn’t quite understand what you were getting at…
    Now that I do I have to say this is exactly what took place in my last “relationship”. We were perfect strangers who enjoyed a great date when I was visiting ATL for Spring Break. The chemistry was great & we admitted that we were what each other was looking. We eventually went home together that night & had a few more dates.
    I eventually returned to NY but within a few weeks I was flying back & forth btwn NY & ATL, being invited family gatherings, & the occasional “Don’t call her phone anymore man”. Of course I was thinking when the hell did we get here & I was frightened.
    In the end it was more than either one of us bargained for so we split but it was great while it lasted.

  21. BMC I believe in communications between each other. I also still believe in Love, it’s the greatest gift of all. You have to let God help you with finding a good relationship. Because when we try to do it are way, sometimes you or the other person gets hard or mislead. You can’t assume the other indivdual feels the same way ,even if the sex is good or your the best of friends and all that good stuff. I feel both parties should be open and ask the questions that are inportant for you to understand. I stopped trying to find the right person for me on my own. I had to put it in the hands of God, because he knows what’s best for me. Establishing relationships takes patience and hard work So, if people are to lazy to take the time to get to know one another and want a quick fix, then go ahead and take your chances and taste it quick. But I believe it takes time to savor the favor. People take Love lightly. Sometimes you body just wants to be touched and pampered. But what about the the next day? I would rather be pampered by a man for ever. BMC, I’m tellin you, some people just don’t understand about this love and relationship thing. But I’d rather have long love then short love. I am still asking God to sent the right person for me. O and yes, I still say my prayer at night before I go to bed. It’s the only way dreams come true,Baby. That’s my thoughts. Peace, Good health, and Dreams can come True.

    • I agree that communication is important ~ quint-essential!

      With that being said, if people would put the time into building a relationship versus rushing into it as though it is the “last thing” moving/going for them, I believe that you would not find yourself “waking up married w/3 kids!” You would find yourself wondering where the time went, “Time flies when you are having fun,” assuming you have the time to come up for air from all the fun you are having!

  22. If u leave the topic with ur friend undiscussed then they are free 2 continue 2 look 4 someone jus like u if not better than u. And if they find tht person and they require a committment u then become expendable because u didnt hold them 2 a standard. Communication is key!

  23. I have benn there and I would sadly have to say I am one of those who fights it. Some people just enjoy being in a “relationship” without the title. It does make things a bit more exciting. At least until one person wants to be more then you might have a problem. Sometimes you do need to have that “Do you want to be my …” talk because things can get messy fast!! I myself enjoy being single and when I feel that someone being him or I is catching feelings I let go. Thats not the way I want to start a relationship. But there have been times where i did and they were not successful. However, I have been reading your past few blogs and I can say that I am actually considering being in a relationship because of some point you made.

  24. Lol…that’s definitely more common…I’m actually still old school with it… I’m not claiming or letting a guy claim me without asking me out FIRST…lol I remember one time when I was chillin with this guy I was dating and he was on the phone with one of his friends…he told him he was chillin with “his girl” I had to remind him then that I wasn’t his girl because he never asked me out…he thought I was joking but then he stepped his game up once he realised I was serious and wasn’t completely committed to him until he officially locked me down…idk I personally think its better that way so no one feels trapped or played because u thought I was your girl or him my man

  25. I’m sorry but this isn’t relevant to your question. I’m Joel Bazile, we meet at the “The Power Conference” honoring Andre3000 and Andrew Young. I asked for your business card but you said that you didn’t have any on hand, instead you said to hit you up on Twitter. When you get a chance, can you email me at joelbazile@gmail.com. Thank you so much and I look forward to receiving an email. God Bless. Congrats on being honored this pass weekend at The Georgia Hall of Fame.

  26. This question takes me many places.

    It’s funny how you can wake up with that feeling that something is just good. A feeling that puts you in a place that is unfamiliar, yet comfortable. A feeling of uncertainty, yet encouraging. That feeling of “newness” and anticipation for what lies ahead. This is the good feeling that we often deprive ourselves of when we tend to fall or give it up too quickly. The exchange of phone numbers, lengthy conversations, a few dates…nights at your place…nights at mine. I call this the “development” phase. Yes, I’ve been here before and I would choose this path each and every time.

  27. Been there. Done that. And won’t make that mistake again! LOL. Seriously though, it’s not a bad thing to “accidentally fall in love,” life happens. The problem comes when you assume the other person wants to be in a relationship. They may be in love with you as well, but maybe they have some baggage they need to take care of. Now, you put them in this awkward situation and because they do love you, they don’t want to hurt your feelings, so they just go along with it. But now, you’ve got a relationship “built on a rocky foundation.”

  28. Absolutely. Whether you decide to start sleeping with someone or not, once a person spends the night more than 1 time, you can guarantee that you are on the brink of a relationship, whether you want one or not. I was reading the book “he’s just not that into you” a while back and the very first page he said “Men would rather lose their arm out of a moving bus than to tell a woman the truth”. i thought this was a seriously bold statement but agreed with him. I often find that not only are men from Mars and women from Venus, but we are also on different time schedules. We don’t necessarily think we are in a relationship at the same time and fellas, if you are dating women in their 30s, you best believe that that timetable has been moved up. I also find that I (now 30 years old) and friends of mine in their thirties, have reverted back to the old days. We no longer have time to decipher codes or read expressions to let us know whether we are in a relationship or not. We just straight up ask, “Where is this going?” This is a time sensitive question. You can’t ask too soon or too late. Too soon, you just freaked him out. Too late, you shouldn’t be asking at all. I found that my forwardness in these situations did not work for me in my early 20s, but it works better in your late 20s, early 30s because your in the age bracket to be making major life decisions and setting up for your future. So, I say cut the bullshit…after a month or two, just ask…”Where do you see this going?”…and perform a litmus test every 3-6 months to keep communications open so you both know you’re on the same page.

  29. I was in a “situation” and the guy over stepped the line and he told me why are you mad your not my girlfriend. I was confused because we were together all the time and had all the makings of a relationship. But in hindsight it was some hybrid of a relationship and a friendship. Were still friends but we just talk on the phone now…

  30. Honestly I believer it happens due to lack of communication. One or both parties typically either assumes that the situation is more than what it is or is hesitant to ask for or seek clarification on the status of their situation. There are some women who want the relationship to be exclusive but for fear of running the man off won’t open the dialogue or they have asked and he brushes her off. Why do they stay? I don’t know. Is it because she feels like she can change his mind? Or he just goes along with it, because it is convenient or does not want to hurt her.

    As far as I am concerned… Once my relationship with a man gets to the point where we are having an intimate relationship….Nothing is too personal. Even if we have not established a definitive relationship (put a title on it!) I will say that if my relationship gets to that point, I am not going to be dealing with anyone else, in an effort to see how things go and to determine what the next step really is. Not to mention having multiple partners is too risky considering not everyone knows their status!

    I have experienced a situation where I was dating someone and after a some months he acted as though I was his girl. Even though I don’t recall us ever putting a title on in. He was still free to date others, but wanted to act as though I was not free to do the same. It is not that I had a problem with being in a relationship, but he acted as though he fell asleep one night single and woke up the next as though we were married!!!

  31. I don’t feel like being serious today..I don’t know how many Grown and Sexy people are over here so I will keep it PG-ish..but I’m gonna say…did you she wake up in a relationship too? Or did she just whip dat Thang so good that you done got addicted to her Ou NaNaNaNa…Got a few days away from my day job and this gurl is having Fun…Ts Out, later :))

  32. I think it’s simple… Nowadays people allow themselves to become too comfortable in their “relationships” before a real relationship has even been established. The value of a relationship has declined; hence, people settle for whatever. I’m not saying set ridiculous standards…. But make an effort to practice the values and set limitations that you expect from a relationship or it’s sure to spin out of control. But most importantly, pray on any friendship or relationship first, then you know for sure things will fall into order…. Avoid stumbling into a marriage! FOLLOW ME B. COX!! SECRETGREENEYEZ on Twitter

  33. I’ve gone’ through this situation, and uh.. I can’t say I regret it or anything. I love my girl, we’re going to be married soon and have like hundred children after I’ve pursued my goal.

    And I could have never imagine myself or even picture it, asking if she down or wanted to my girl. If it’s true love, it just happens and you just can’t explain that, I guess.

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